Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.