Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
me hitting on a model
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.