[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Brands during Pride
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The point of your 20s
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
😩😩😩
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense