I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point