Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.