Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Morning my dudes.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched