Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
can I use a minion as a tampon
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
March 16
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?