Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
hackers play passwordle
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.