deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
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Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Every time my phone rings
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad