ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
So creative 😂
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
peak technology
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Not even remotely sorry.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
*cough*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought