Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
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Stick it to the man
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.