OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this