I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You Might Also Like
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
#Caturday
When ur friends with white people
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]