Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”