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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this