SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png