*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Feel. He’s so soft.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.