Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You Might Also Like
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.