In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
*puts words between two asterisks*
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.