I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.