Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango