I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.