12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco