Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
i hate you platonically
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat