8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
im all 3
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.