I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.