sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”