So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go