I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ