My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.