interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
You Might Also Like
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I can also cook 😂
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes