QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Worth the read.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work