Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before