a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?