[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.