My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.