15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Weirdly Wednesday.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.