The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
my retirement plan is braless
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.