Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.