A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
U talkin 2 me?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.