My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
the three branches of government
when the buffet is more honest than your date
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
yall want some gasoline milk
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy