When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
What a year we’ve had this week.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT