Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.