We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.