Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
hi why am I like this
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.