“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”