To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.