Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Ok but actually
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you