I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My flabber has been gasted.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
You have been warned.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible