Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
This is me
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google